LYSISTRATA NOW
Full length, flexible cast; 4M 6F in original production. Multiple, simple settings.
Lysistrata Now is an adaptation of Aristophanes' timeless anti-war sex comedy, trading the Athens/Sparta dispute for the modern day east/west conflict and updating the jokes with modern cultural references.
Characters:
LYSISTRATA
KALONIKE
MYRRHINE
LAMPITO
GRAMPS
GRANNY
COMMISSIONER
ELIA
WATCH
KINESIAS
SIMON
AMBASSADOR
CHORUS of old men/women (the original production used a single chorus, each actor dressed and wigged male on the left side, female on the right.)
SAMPLE SCENE
CHORUS in the middle, GRAMPS facing GRANNY.
CHORUS keeps rhythm, turning left and right (male and female).
(NOTE: the original production also used a human beat box.)
GRAMPS
I tell ya, this is an outrage, especially at your age
You crazy old biddies should be locked in a birdcage
Better disengage, get your butts offstage
Or you’re gonna see your names on the obituary page
You’re idiotic, despotic, not very erotic
And you’re carryin’ on like a raving psychotic
You’re at large, you’re in charge, everything’s chaotic
I’d say your behavior’s unpatriotic
CHORUS (M)
Tell ‘em, brother, give ‘em hell
Get ‘em outta the Citadel
GRANNY
Don’t you try and imply with that in-sinuation
That we women ain’t got no love for our nation
Whaddaya guess would possess us to raise an altercation
If we weren’t dedicated to the pacification
Of the land, every man, woman, child livin’ in it
It’s a far better thing that we’re doin’ this minute
Than you men ever done, no matter how you spin it
And the best is the rest, you’ve only seen us begin it
CHORUS (W)
Give ‘em the truth, girl, make ‘em see
Shock ‘em outta their complacen-cy
GRAMPS
Women on the uprise shouldn’t be a sur-prise
Got a feelin we guys mighta been unwise
Listenin’ to their sighs and lookin’ at their thighs
‘Stead of checkin’ out the devious look in their eyes
The new feminini-ty, it’s just tyranny to me
It’s an abnormality to which I never will agree
‘Cause a man’s gotta be what a man’s gotta be
We stand up when we pee, we’re sons of liberty
CHORUS (M)
Get back the power
Get back the power
Get back the power
Get back the power
GRANNY
You’re stupefactin’, overreactin’,
Lookin back on when your whip was still crackin’
Now your lips are smackin’ over what you’re lackin’
We ladies pushed you out and now you wanna get back in
In the war of the sexes, I tell ya what’s next is
A well-aimed kick at your solar plexus
Better not vex us, we’ve got witches’ hexes
That’ll hit you like Katrina hit the man from Texas
CHORUS (W)
Get used to it
Get used to it
Get used to it
Get used to it
GRAMPS
Hey there Granny, you can kiss my fanny,
Your resemblance to a female dog is uncanny
Don’tcha know if ya show disrespect to a man he
Might make things get kinda Afghanistan-y
Tryin’ to be a contender but you’re just a pretender
You old hags and bags ain’t no credit to your gender
So you’d better surrender, get off your bender
Or we’ll make you look like frogs in a blender
CHORUS (M)
You heard it, girls, now hear us shout
Give in, give up, get down, get out
GRANNY
Boys will be boys, with their military toys,
No matter how old, they always make the same noise
It annoys and destroys, and we hate to be killjoys
But we do see through the ploys of your envoys
Who tell us to give up, desist, not resist
And promise us nothing but a slap on the wrist
Understand this: you won’t be so much as kissed
Til you promise forever that you won’t re-enlist
CHORUS (W)
No more war
That’s all we’re doin’ this for
No more war
That’s all we’re doin’ this for
No more war
That’s all we’re doin’ this for
No more war
That’s all we’re doin’ this for
(CHORUS, as women, drive GRAMPS out.
GRANNY turns toward LYSISTRATA.)
GRANNY
But what be illin’ you... I mean, what ails thee, august and mighty leader amongst women? You look down in the mouth.
LYSISTRATA
We’re a bunch of idiots, we women. It must be hormonal.
GRANNY
What’s the problem?
LYSISTRATA
We’ve had no trouble taking and defending the Citadel. We made the Commissioner bow to our demands. We’ve got our men right where we want them, home on leave, so we can really apply the pressure. Now we have to face the real enemy: ourselves. And we’re losing.
GRANNY
Lysistrata, please tell me what’s gone wrong. Perhaps the wisdom of my age may be of use in these difficulties.
LYSISTRATA
It’s a delicate matter.
GRANNY
I’ll be discrete.
LYSISTRATA
We’re all desperate to get laid.
GRANNY
It’s only natural, Lysistrata.
LYSISTRATA
Somehow I thought we’d all be strong enough to resist. If we can’t, we give up our most potent weapon. But I can’t control the others anymore. One look at their men out there and they go wild, looking for the nearest exit. One of them was tunneling under the wall with a spatula. Another was rappelling down the wall with tied-together satin sheets. Two more were going to hang glide with a contraption they put together with tanning mirrors. They were only foiled when the wind shifted and blew them back in. The rest of them are all coming up with excuses... Here comes another one. Just listen.
(ELIA hurries by LYSISTRATA, who grabs her and stops her.)
Where do you think you’re going, Elia?
ELIA
I...have to go home. I think I left the iron plugged in.
LYSISTRATA
I do that myself, all the time. Then I get home and find out I did unplug it, and I feel like an idiot.
ELIA
But I’m sure, I’m absolutely positive I left it plugged in, and if the house burns down...
LYSISTRATA
What model is it?
ELIA
It’s a split-level ranch house with false brick siding...
LYSISTRATA
I mean the iron.
ELIA
Oh...it’s a Sunbeam 4500...you know, the ones with the Teflon-coated ceramic surface and automatic EZ-Steam function?
LYSISTRATA
I’ve got one of those myself.
ELIA
You do?
LYSISTRATA
They turn off automatically after fifteen minutes.
(Pause.)
ELIA
Did I say iron? I meant deep fat fryer.
LYSISTRATA
You’re on a low-cholesterol diet!
ELIA
Yes, but my husband...
LYSISTRATA
There’s something else you want to feed your husband, isn’t there.
ELIA
Lysistrata. Please. I can’t take it anymore.
(MYRRHINE enters, trying to pass LYSISTRATA.)
LYSISTRATA
Going somewhere, Myrrhine?
MYRRHINE
I have to feed my pussy… Cat! I forgot to feed her.
LYSISTRATA
The poor little thing. She must be starving.
MYRRHINE
Last time we left her behind, when we won that week at Club Med in Aruba, she cried so loud the neighbors heard and denounced us to PETA. We were getting angry letters from Paul McCartney. I swear, Lysistrata, I’ll be right back.
LYSISTRATA
Wait a second. Didn’t you tell me a few weeks ago that you got rid of your cat?
MYRRHINE
We got another one.
LYSISTRATA
Because your husband was allergic?
MYRRHINE
It’s one of those hairless ones? From Crete?
(Pause.)
Don’t believe me?
(LYSISTRATA shakes her head.)
Please, Lysistrata! This is torture!
(KALONIKE comes by, seemingly pregnant.)
LYSISTRATA
You too, Kalonike?
KALONIKE
I’m having contractions!
LYSISTRATA
You weren’t pregnant yesterday!
KALONIKE
The new maternity dresses hide it really well, don’t they!
LYSISTRATA
You don’t have to go anywhere.
(To GRANNY:)
You’re a midwife, aren’t you.
GRANNY
I’ve delivered nine hundred seventy five babies, including ninety six breach births and fifty one caesarians.
KALONIKE
Oh... The thing is... Our midwife... We’re doing the Lamaze method? With a pool? And she’s put speakers underwater so the first thing the baby hears will be the new Moby CD. Ooooh! I’ve got to hurry! The contractions are getting stronger!
LYSISTRATA
Here. I’ll help you with the delivery.
(She pulls the bundle out from under KALONIKE’s shirt. It’s a heart-shaped pillow.)
Congratulations.
KALONIKE
I’m sorry, Lysistrata. I’m at the end of my endurance!
LYSISTRATA
You think I’m not at the end of mine? We’ve got to be strong! We’ve got to be disciplined! How can we come this far and throw it all away for a piece of...
ELIA, MYRRHINE, KALONIKE
Easily!
(Pause.)
LYSISTRATA
I expected more of you. Maybe I was wrong. Go, then. I mean it. I’d rather have you go than listen to more of your lies and excuses. Go! Get out! What are you waiting for!
(Pause.)
MYRRHINE
We’re sorry.
(Sheepishly, ELIA, MYRRHINE and KALONIKE start to go.)
LYSISTRATA
Just, what am I going to tell Oprah?
(The WOMEN stop in their tracks.)
KALONIKE
Oprah?
LYSISTRATA
She’s coming this afternoon with a camera crew. We’re going to be live from the Citadel. She wants to interview as many of us as possible. I think she’s bringing Doctor Phil, too.
ELIA
Oprah?
LYSISTRATA
Oh well, you can watch it all from the comfort of your marriage beds.
MYRRHINE
Oprah?
ELIA
Where’s my blush?
KALONIKE
What’ll I wear?
MYRRHINE
Can you do my hair?
KALONIKE
We’re going to be on Oprah!
LYSISTRATA
Yes, and wait until your husbands see you. And hear you.
MYRRHINE
This is going to be fantastic!
LYSISTRATA
It will be. Unless you all go back on your oath when it’s over.
(Pause.)
KALONIKE
We won’t, Lysistrata.
LYSISTRATA
Promise?
ELIA, MYRRHINE, KALONIKE
We promise.