Hey Bosnia
Full length, 4M 4F. Open, flexible staging.
Hey Bosnia is an action-packed black comic adventure story, in which a slightly over the hill rocker and his slightly over the hill supermodel wife try to save their celebrity marriage by collaborating with a relief effort in war-torn Bosnia. The uneasy alliance between the couple and the other members of the team (a headstrong nun, a mercenary, and a television journalist) is threatened when the true nature of the mission comes to be known. From the comfort of their sofa, two television viewers supply commentary and gradually become involved in the action.
Characters:
BABS
WALTER
MARCUS
JILA
NICK
DONNA
JEANNE
SPRINGER
SAMPLE SCENE:
LIGHTS UP on MARCUS MARSHALL standing with a microphone. He speaks to his unseen camera crew.
MARCUS
Okay. What I want is the building in the background. The crumbling wall, the broken windows. Can you get that into the frame and not lose the mountains? I want the mountains, too. Okay? How about my face. I want the light to be as close to natural as you can get. Just kill the shadows, that’s all.
No, I’ve decided to keep the beard. The beard makes a statement. The beard says there are more important things to think about than shaving. If it looks ugly, that’s fine. I shouldn’t look polished. I shouldn’t look groomed. That would send the wrong message. That would say that my hair, my clothes, my personal hygiene were more important than where I am, what I’m doing here, what’s going on here. What’s going on here is ugly. My ugliness tells the viewer back home that I haven’t gone unaffected by what I’ve seen. That my exposure to this war has changed me. That in bearing witness to it, I’ve become part of it. We owe that much to our audience, to reflect the gravity of the situation. I want you guys to light me and shoot me in a way that says, This is not reporting. This is not a report about war. This is war. There is a reporter in the frame, but he is not the subject. War is the subject. He is part of the war. He is experiencing the war and bringing it to you. He is living the war for you. Through him, you live the war. So how do I look? Okay? On me on three.
(He counts three with his fingers.
LIGHTS UP on BABS and WALTER.)
This is Marcus Marshall in Zagreb, Croatia. The siege continued in the Muslim enclaves of Bosnia today. Despite repeated requests for air strikes against Serbian compounds, western leaders once again declined to intervene, leaving this desperate people to fend for itself one more agonizing day.
BABS
This is terrible.
WALTER
Somebody should do something.
MARCUS
But if the governments of the civilized world have washed their hands of this situation, perhaps there are other people who haven’t. Rock star Nick Donato and former supermodel Donna Sparks have just landed at the airport here in Zagreb.
(LIGHTS UP on NICK and DONNA.)
BABS
Donna Sparks!
WALTER
Nick Donato!
MARCUS
Nick, Donna. A rock superstar, a former top model. What are you doing here?
NICK
We had no choice. We couldn’t stay away.
DONNA
People are dying here.
NICK
This war has been going on for four years now.
DONNA
It’s madness. It’s insanity.
NICK
We couldn’t just stay home and watch it on TV.
DONNA
All the pain. All the suffering.
NICK
We just thought, Hey, we should get off our butts and do something.
DONNA
It was as simple as that, Marcus.
MARCUS
Nick, you and your band donated the profits from your last concert tour.
NICK
That’s true, Marcus, and let me tell you, it felt great. Being up there night after night, playing rock and roll, knowing that we were doing something to help people on the other side of the world. Our fans felt it too. But it wasn’t enough. That money bought food and medical supplies which the Serbian troops confiscated and used themselves. Almost none of it got through to the people we were trying to help.
MARCUS
When did you decide to come over yourselves?
DONNA
We were at our house in Aspen. It was snowing that day, and we couldn’t ski. Nick built a blazing fire and we turned on the television. That was when we saw the videotape of the detention camp. We sat on the leather sofa and stared at it. I’ll never forget the fear and helplessness we saw in those faces. When it was over, we just held each other and cried. And that’s when Nick said...
NICK
I’m going. And she said...
DONNA
…if you’re going, I’m going too.
(They kiss.)
MARCUS
But Nick. But Donna. How in the world can two people, even two people as fabulously successful and famous as yourselves, hope to make a difference?
DONNA
Marcus, we think that just by being here we can make a difference. All the eyes of the world are on us. And if that helps draw attention to the terrible suffering of the Bosnian people, we’ll have done a lot of good.
NICK
Anything’s better than not doing anything. Which is what our government is doing. What the rest of the world is doing. Making empty threats and hoping everybody forgets about it.
MARCUS
A lot of people are watching right now back in America and are probably thinking this is some kind of publicity stunt.
NICK
They can think whatever they want. That’s their problem.
DONNA
We don’t need the publicity. We’ve got plenty of that already.
MARCUS
Your marriage?
NICK
We’re not here to talk about our marriage.
MARCUS
A lot of people are wondering.
DONNA
Nick and I are very happy.
NICK
But how can anybody really be happy with all this going on? How can anybody even sleep at night?
DONNA
We couldn’t. That’s why we’re here.
MARCUS
This has been Marcus Marshall at the airport in Zagreb, Croatia, with Nick Donato and Donna Sparks.
(He turns back to NICK and DONNA.)
Hey, I’m sorry about that.
DONNA
About what?
MARCUS
Bringing up your marriage. It’s something my producers wanted.
NICK
That’s okay, man. We’re used to it.
MARCUS
Listen, uh.. .they want me to follow you around.
NICK
No. That’s something we decided right from the start. No press.
MARCUS
I don’t like the idea either. No offense, but there are more important stories to cover here than your visit.
NICK
Then go cover them.
MARCUS
I’ve got orders. We’re in a ratings war, you know. If it’s not me, it’ll be someone else, from some other network. But I happen to think you sincerely care about this situation. Well, so do I.
NICK
Yeah. We’ve watched your stuff. You’re good.
MARCUS
So I propose you give me an exclusive. I go where you go, I cover the story in a responsible way, we’re all happy.
DONNA
He’s got a point, Nick.
MARCUS
My network has already spoken with your publicists. They’ve agreed in principle. We do an hour-long prime-time magazine piece. Bosnia through the eyes of Nick Donato and Donna Sparks.
NICK
How about money?
MARCUS
Everything’s negotiable.
NICK
Everything goes to Sister Jeanne McGill’s Bosnian Family Relief Fund. That means all advertising revenues. That means all salaries, including your own. Nobody makes a profit on this.
MARCUS
We’ll have to take that up with the network, but I don’t think there’ll be any problem...
NICK
Okay, if you can keep up with us, come along.
(They exit.)
WALTER
What an airhead!
BABS
Who?
WALTER
Her!
BABS
Her? How about him? What an egomaniac!
WALTER
I think he’s sincere.
BABS
So is she.
WALTER
Oh, come on.
(Imitates Donna:)
“Just by being here we can make a difference.”
BABS
Well, maybe they can!
WALTER
Oh, gimme a break!
(LIGHTS OUT on BABS and WALTER.
LIGHTS UP on JEANNE and SPRINGER.)
JEANNE
What do you think?
SPRINGER
She’s got pretty legs. He’s got a lousy voice.
JEANNE
I mean, what do you think of their being here?
SPRINGER
They’ll see what’s going on. It looks different than on TV. They’ll hug a few orphans and go home.
JEANNE
I met them on my last trip to the States. He donated the proceeds from his concert tour to us. I think they’re sincere.
SPRINGER
So what? What can they do? Nothing. And they know it. Otherwise they wouldn’t be here. If they actually had to risk their lives, they’d catch the next flight back to California.
JEANNE
Mr. Springer, you are a very cynical man.
SPRINGER
At least I don’t pretend to be otherwise.
JEANNE
Nevertheless, I have always believed in giving people the benefit of the doubt.
SPRINGER
That’s why you’re a nun and I’m a soldier. Last time I gave someone the benefit of the doubt, I got shot.
JEANNE
Where was that?
SPRINGER
Right here.
(Points to his stomach.)
JEANNE
No, where did it happen?
SPRINGER
Nicaragua. Fighting the Sandinistas.
JEANNE
I don’t understand you. You fought against the Marxists in Nicaragua, but you fought on their side in Angola.
SPRINGER
I fight for whoever pays me.
JEANNE
I don’t pay you.
SPRINGER
I know. If I get a better offer, I’m gone.
JEANNE
I don’t believe you.
SPRINGER
I’m not a good guy or a bad guy. I’m just a guy who likes war.
JEANNE
Then why are you taking part in a humanitarian effort instead of joining the fighting?
SPRINGER
You really want to know?
JEANNE
Yes.
SPRINGER
I’ve always wanted to drive a truck. Ever since I saw that old French movie about the four guys and the trucks full of nitroglycerine.
JEANNE
I think there is some good in you, though.
SPRINGER
Well, you would know, wouldn’t you, being a nun and everything.
JEANNE
Maybe that has something to do with it.
SPRINGER
I’ve shot nuns, you know. In El Salvador.
(Pause.)
JEANNE
So what about Nick Donato and Donna Sparks?
SPRINGER
Forget about ‘em.
JEANNE
Maybe they could help us in some way.
SPRINGER
You just like having your picture taken with celebrities.
JEANNE
I’ve got an idea.
SPRINGER
What.
(NICK and DONNA enter, followed by MARCUS.)
JEANNE
Nick. Donna.
NICK
Sister Jeanne.
(They shake hands.)
JEANNE
I heard you were coming and hoped you would stop in to see us.
DONNA
You’re the first person we wanted to see.
MARCUS (into microphone)
Sister Jeanne McGill. A saint? Or a clever, publicity-hungry demagogue?
JEANNE
Who is he?
DONNA
Just a reporter.
NICK
Hey man, she’s saved a lot of lives. Show some respect.
MARCUS (hastily)
I personally think she’s a saint.
(LIGHTS UP on BABS and WALTER.)
BABS
So do I.
WALTER
I’m not so sure.
(LIGHTS OUT on BABS and WALTER.)
JEANNE
Nick, Donna, this is Mr. Springer. Mr. Springer, this is...
SPRINGER
I’ve got all your records.
NICK
Good to know.
SPRINGER
What are you gonna do, write a song about all this?
NICK
Hopefully a lot more.
SPRINGER
Been a while since you’ve been on the cover of Time?
NICK
This time I might make the obituary page.
SPRINGER
You just might.
DONNA
We feel honored to be in the presence of someone who has made such a difference in the world.
SPRINGER
Hah. Sister, this is phony. Like Sting in the Amazon or Richard Gere and the Dalai Lama.
NICK
Maybe they weren’t being phony either.
DONNA
Just because we’re rich and famous doesn’t mean we don’t care.
SPRINGER
So what are you gonna do? I mean, here you are, getting your picture taken with the Sister. Everybody back home sees her goodness rubbing off on you. Might help your career, but who else is it gonna help?
DONNA
Well, we think that just by being here...
SPRINGER
You people make me puke.
(Pause.)
JEANNE
Mr. Springer, that was uncalled for. These people have donated a lot of money to our cause.
NICK
We’re not donating money this time. We’re donating ourselves.
JEANNE
Well, I’m not sure there’s really anything you can do. That is, unless you’re willing to put yourselves at risk.
DONNA
In what way?
SPRINGER
Physical risk. The risk of getting killed. What did you think she meant?
DONNA
Well.. .
NICK
We wouldn’t have come here if we weren’t prepared for that.
DONNA
Nick.. .
NICK
Donna and I aren’t afraid to die for a cause we believe in. Are we, Donna?
DONNA
We really should talk about this...
NICK
Please, Sister, just tell us how we can help.
(Pause.)
JEANNE
Well, perhaps there is something you can do.
NICK
What.
JEANNE
We have an emergency. In Rizla.
DONNA
Rizla?
JEANNE
It’s a little town in what is supposed to be a protected Muslim zone. But it’s far from Sarajevo and closed off by mountains. The Serbo-Bosnians haven’t attacked it yet. But they’ve got it surrounded, and the UN Security Forces have decided they can’t protect it. It’s been three weeks since we’ve been able to get a supply truck through. Every truck has been attacked. When the Serbo-Bosnian troops are asked about it, they say that the trucks were attacked by someone else, without their authorization.
NICK
The motherfuckers.
SPRINGER
Hey, it’s war. I’d do the same thing if I were them.
JEANNE
Several of our drivers have been killed.
DONNA
I just don’t understand how anybody could be so heartless.
JEANNE
We are determined to get those supplies through. Unfortunately, we’re down to just one truck now, and one driver. Mr. Springer. And I can’t afford to have him killed.
(Pause. )
NICK
I can drive.
DONNA
Nick.. .
SPRINGER
Is that what you have in mind, Sister?
JEANNE
Not exactly. You’re both very well known here. They still play your music on the radio, when there’s electricity. Ms. Sparks, they all know you from the Coca-Cola advertisements. You’re admired by people on both sides.
DONNA
Maybe that’s how we can be useful. We can inspire people to come together and put down their weapons and put an end to the violence.
SPRINGER (sings)
I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony...
DONNA
Don’t laugh. That’s what popular culture is all about. Bringing people together and making them realize their differences aren’t so big after all.
SPRINGER
Their differences are big enough.
JEANNE
Suppose, though, that you were both riding in our supply truck? Two well-known, much-admired American celebrities. Who would attack the truck then?
MARCUS
My network would like that. A road trip. Into the heart of darkness. But spreading light. The light of your genuine concern for the victims of this war.